Tales from the Mama Bear diaries ...

My daughter is 7, going on 17. Yeah, you really do say shit like that when you have a kid. As well as other things like, "Because I said so." , "I swear I'll put everything on your bedroom floor in a trash bag if you don't pick it up NOW.", and my personal favorite: "Why did you wait until my ass HIT the toilet seat to call my name/scream as if your arm has been cut off?"

You quickly forget after having children, that at one point you had no idea what it was like to be responsible for the success of another human being. So this blog is dedicated to all those out there who have yet to have children and therefore are unaware of, what I like to call, the "Mama Bear" Syndrome.

"Mama Bear" Syndrome is known as the moment when, as a mother, you decide to use the FIGHT option of the fight or flight phenomenon. In other words, if you've been watching Bad Girls Club this season, you go Portia all over someone's ass.

Side note: I'm OBSESSED with this show and when Portia whooped Natalie's ass for talking smack about her 2 year old daughter.
I. Got. That.
I jumped off the couch and egged that shit on middle school style.

If you are unfortunate enough to not know about the Bad Girls Club, check out Portia's "Mama Bear" moment here.

You. Are. Welcome.

For those of you who do not know me well, I am a fairly even tempered person who does NOT enjoy conflict. However, let me tell you a little story about one of my "Mama Bear" moments.

Back in the fine year of 2004, my daughter was 2, and one of our dear friends was dating a girl named Sarah, but for the sake of her privacy we'll call her "Stupid Bitch".

Now, "Stupid Bitch" is the kind of girl who adopts whatever hobbies her current boyfriend participates in way too much. Shes also the type of girl who gets a "Pegasus" tattoo the size of a volleyball on her upper back and thinks this gives her some kind of magical right to be a total douche bag. Too bad that shit looked like a giant retarded non-gay supporting unicorn. Which, in my opinion is the worst kind of unicorn to be.

Anyway - said friends current hobby was riding Asian made motorcycles. "Stupid Bitch" decided she too was into crotch rockets and got her self a shiny purple helmet (that perfectly matched her anti-gay unicorn tattoo) and her own bike. I know, you can't help but love her already ... They show up at our house one afternoon as we are leaving to go for ice cream. Being the very nice person that I am, I invite them to come along. They agreed and said they would follow on their bikes.

(I might take this opportunity to point out that "Stupid Bitch" did not dig kids. She didn't even try and hide her dislike of children. You could frequently see her making a "I'm about to shit, puke, and bleed from my eyes." face anytime my daughter tried to engage her in any activity.)

So my husband scoops up our daughter and jokingly says "Would you like to ride with them on the motorcycle?" to which "Stupid Bitch" replies: "Yeah, shes welcome to --- if she wants to ride bitch." complete with a "whatever" facial expression and a roll of her stupid judgmental bitchy eyes. For those of you who do not know motorcycle vernacular, riding "bitch" means in the back. It also means you are not gnarly enough to be driving.

I do not exaggerate when I tell you that my husband had to make a slow motion MacGyver run to try and snip the blue wire (or is it the red wire?) on my "Mama Bear" time bomb.

My point? People who do not have children can not imagine the devotion you feel to them. So when you see someone go all "Mama Bear", do not think they are crazy. It is simply the blind maddening rage that comes with bearing a child. Perfectly nice people who normally would not resort to violence will beat the living fuck out of you when it comes to their children.
Also - it means you just shouldn't be a douche. No one likes a douche. Just ask John Mayer.


Your body is a wonderland,

Mel