An interview with the real OG of scarecrows

So I’m walking through our local retail store the other day and I notice that they have all their fall décor out. There were the expected items: things with leafs on them, pumpkins, gourds, and the ever popular scarecrow. As I looked around, I took note that all the scarecrows have super happy faces with rosey cheeks and big smiles. I thought “WTF is this bullshit?"This isn’t at all what a scarecrow is supposed to be right?

So I did the next logical thing. I googled that shit. Turns out that scarecrows have been around since the Greeks were runnin’ this bitch. They noticed that when a particularly ugly child named Priapus would run around in the gardens, the birds would stay away from his haggard lookin’ ass, so they started making scarecrows in his image. And that shit WORKED. Those Greek dudes spread the word as they roamed the earth and - BAM - peeps were using scarecrows left and right.

So now I’m a lil’ annoyed. As with everything else our culture has touched, its turned a once useful object into something to decorate our over privileged gardenless homes with. So I dug a little deeper and managed to find that there are only a handful of original scarecrows left. So I contacted their union and got in touch with one, Mr. Thurgood Perkins, who was more than happy to do an interview. So I called him up and conducted a phone interview in hopes of schooling you scarecrow-ignorant-mother-fuckers.

Me: So Mr. Perkins –

Mr. Perkins: Oh, please, call me Weezy.

Me: Um, you mean like Lil’ Wayne?

Mr. Perkins: Weezy: Who?

Me: You know, Lil’ Wayne. The rapper? The dude that has a voice like a post pubescent chipmunk? Long braids, teardrops tattooed on his face? Went to jail for having a loaded gun on his tour bus or something equally gangsta? You know, FREE WEEZY! No?

[Long Pause] Ok, anyway… Weezy, how do you feel about the modern representation of your … people?

Mr. Perkins: Weezy: Well, you know, its like with any other stereotyping. It’s like we’ve, the original scarecrows I mean, have been put into a sort of racist prison.

Me: How do you mean?

Mr. Perkins: Weezy: Well. Most children these days know nothing of us as we were intended to be. They only know of these smiling, sweet, perfectly patched up impostors. On the rare occasion that a child does encounter one of us as we were meant to be, they fuckin’ freak. Excuse my language.

Me: Oh, no need to apologize Mr. … Weezy. Trust me, my readers are on board with macaroni mouth art. It’s all good.

Mr. Perkins: Weezy: macaroni… what?

Me: Nothing. So what you are saying is this modern day interpretation by the consumer hungry retail world of your … race ... has led to a world where you are feared and misunderstood?

Mr. Perkins: Weezy: Yes. Exactly.

Me: That’s straight fucked up, sir.

Mr. Perkins: Weezy: Yes, well from what I understand, we are not the only group of people your people have done this to…

Me: Oh no, Weezy. On that, you are right. We suck, for reals.

Mr. Perkins: Weezy: Um. Ok?

Me: So how would you like to be represented to mainstream America?

Mr. Perkins: Weezy: Well, you know, I think that they only accurately portray the physical interpretations of our kind in horror movies. It would be nice to be released from this prison and be asked to be the face for something more positive. Like the Boys and Girls Club.

Or the Girl Scouts.

Me: So what you are saying is, you want to be free to be who you are and do what you love, and be respected for it?

Mr. Perkins: Weezy: Yeah, I think that really isn’t too much to ask considering that our existence has allowed your people to prosper by keeping your crops safe. I mean really, without us, your population may not have grown so large.

Me: Well said, Weezy. Well said. Thanks for your time.

People, Mr. Perkins: Weezy is the real deal. He’s the Original Gangster of scarecrows. So, in short I propose that we stop purchasing the fake ass retail driven scarecrows and kick it old school by bringing back the original scarecrow in all its glory. It’s the least we can do for the real OG that has allowed us to become agriculturally successful. At least until Thurgood Perkins “Weezy” is up for voting on American Idol.

Free Weezy,

Mel

My kitten has a day planner - and that bastard uses it.

I’ve been in the deep abyss that is the end of the semester. Its dark there, with lots of snack stained sweatshirts, dark under eye circles, stress poops and super greasy hair. I’m just now emerging to find that I have a family, and a crap ton of animals. Seriously – I’m not sure how we don’t have more casualties when I fall into the abyss.

Oh wait – this blog was a semi-casualty – so my bad on that.

Anywho – with a new sense of awareness about me, I’ve noticed that the new kitten, Tebow, (formally Molly until “she” was getting a belly rub one day and I was all “Dems balls, son.”) is a little special. Is it possible for cats to have brain issues? I mean – they have a brain, so I’m assuming things can get screwy up in their head bowl just like ours, right? Seriously, we have 3 other cats, all of them came to us as kittens and NONE of them acted like this weirdo.

I hear you, you are saying “Dude, it’s a kitten, don’t be rude. Just because it’s a little hyper active doesn’t mean its “special”.” Um – no. Screw you, you are wrong. This cat is just not right… and to prove it to you, I’m going to give you a play by play of this kittens typical day.
You are welcome.

5:45am – screams like Steven Tyler from Aerosmith from behind the guest bedroom door. (He sleeps in his own room because he has very poor sleeping manners. By this I mean he doesn’t sleep at all when he’s around people– instead he bites your earlobes until he succeeds at making a decent puncture wound, then he moves on to clawing at your scalp.)

5:46am – is released from room. Promptly tries to climb UP the nearest walking human leg and freak out like a junkie who’s hard up for his next fix. This includes clawing, biting, purring, licking, and screaming. Sometimes I wonder if he was born to a mama cat who did black tar heroine while pregnant and he is actually having withdrawals. This thought makes me sad and I give him extra nibbles…

5:55am – eats every ounce of food he is given and then proceeds to stalk you while you make a school lunch. This is cute kitten behavior – this is ok. However when he comes RUNNING at you on only his back two legs screaming and looking like a creature fresh out of Vin Diesel’s classic cinematic adventure - Pitch Black – you begin to wonder…

6:10am – discovers that Boy Boy, our 2 year old cat, is awake and has ventured downstairs. Spends the next 2 hours chasing him around and biting his face until he whoops serious ass.

8:30am – trys to sleep on a baby’s head. Gets swatted at numerous times – but does not allow this to break his determination to make the sleeping-on-baby-head dream a reality. Fails miserably, settles for sleeping on the couch arm.

8:45am – falls off couch arm. Shakes head and growls. Returns to couch arm.

9:03am - falls off couch arm. Shakes head and growls. Returns to couch arm.

9:23am - falls off couch arm. Shakes head and growls. Returns to couch arm.

10:11am - has not fallen off couch for almost an hour – now begins bizarre and LOUD kitten snoring…

10:39am – begins kitten dreaming. Tail whips around and lips quiver while tiny little “mew, mew, mewwww” s escape. This would also be cute if his eyes were totally shut, but no, they are half open and moving all over the place.

10:41am - falls off couch arm. Shakes head and growls. Returns to couch arm.

11:00am - falls off couch arm. Shakes head and growls. Gives up on the nap and goes to stare at the wall in the dining room for 20 straight minutes.

11:20am – Goes into Maddi’s room to fuck shit up. Proceeds to swat anything not nailed down to the ground and then lick it.

12:03pm – Does his damnedest to take a dip in the toilet bowl. Succeeds then recalls that he hates water.

12:06pm – cleans himself from dip in toilet bowl while keeping a worried eye on his tail. At this point, he feels as though that thing has been following him all day …

12:15pm – gives up on the cleaning and proceed to chase tail and bite it so hard he screams like Steven Tyler.

12: 23pm – forgets that he hates water – gets back in toilet. I intervene at this point and make sure all toilet lids are down.

12: 37pm - cleans himself from dip in toilet bowl while keeping a worried eye on his tail. At this point, he feels as though that thing has been following him all day …

12:45pm – can no longer take the tail and AGAIN begins to chase and bite it. This time however he MUST do it on the closed toilet seat. He spins in circles like a wool sweater in a dryer. Falls off toilet, hits head on tub, then repeats at least 6 times.

1:00pm – goes upstairs to dig around in Boy Boy’s litter box. Not to use it, just to dig in it like a treasure hunter. Boy Boy gets pissed – kitten gets his ass handed to him. Boy Boy goes into box and rearranges things as they should be. Kitten moves on to getting into bathtub.

1:05pm – is thrown off by the complexities of a shower curtain and believes he is trapped in the tub. Screams like Steven Tyler until someone pulls the shower curtain back and he is “saved”.

1:21pm – Notices the sound of his litter box being cleaned and thinks “Oh hellllll no.” Proceeds to bum rush you and stand next to the box and swat whenever you are digging out OFF of the scooper because, well, that shit is his – literally - and he wants to keep it. When this doesn’t work he climbs in the box and sits on the scooper like a hippy tied to a Redwood. Scooper gives up.

1:34pm – Notices sleeping baby in swing and spends the next 10 minutes jumping onto swing to try and sleep on baby’s head. Gets swatted and yelled at repeatedly – gives up and retires to couch arm.

2:00pm - falls off couch arm. Shakes head and growl. Returns to couch arm.

2:13pm - falls off couch arm. Shakes head and growl. Returns to couch arm.

3:12pm – Maddi is home - gets a reality check when he is shoved in Barbie cars and force-fed bottles.

5:00pm – escapes from Maddi’s room. Attacks all feet until someone puts food in his bowl. Eats – then mysteriously disappears completely for 2 hours.

7:05pm – Notes that dog has been let in. Proceeds to sit 2 inches from dogs nose and growl and hiss until sleep sets in.

8:05pm – randomly wakes up in a manic state swatting at invisible things above his head.

8:35pm – finds Boy Boy and gets his ass beat for a while.

9:05pm – realizes Maddi has gone to bed and figures this is the perfect time to rearrange her room – AGAIN. Maddi gets pissed, he is banned to the living room.

9:36pm – gets caught chewing on wires. Is banished to guest bedroom for the rest of the evening.



2 things:
1. Case closed. Kitten ain’t right.
2. You really need to find something more productive to do with your time other than reading this bullshit.

Kitty winks,
Mel