Side of Ranch mega FAIL

Maddi and I went out for lunch:

Me: I’ll have a small pepperoni pizza. Oh, and can I get a side of Ranch dressing with that?

Waitress: Sure.

She starts to walk away and then comes back with a weird look on her face.

Waitress: Um. I can’t give you a side of Ranch dressing.

Me: Uhhhhhh, what?

Waitress: Well, we buy the Ranch in bulk, and it comes in a big container and I can’t bring that out here. Can I put it in a small plastic dressing cup?

Me: That sounds like an excellent idea.

Waitress: Awesome, Ok.

That happened.
In real life.
No joke.

She walked away super proud that she solved my Ranch dressing dilemma. I sat there for a bit thinking, WTF? Did I actually hear all that correctly?? Sadly, she was at least in her mid-twenties, so we can not even blame her age or lack of experience with, well … anything at all.

I’m STILL trying understand what the fuck she thought “a side of Ranch dressing” meant. I mean, I certainly cannot be the only person who has ever asked her for a side of something. Maddi ordered chicken fingers and SHE asked if she wanted a SIDE OF HONEY MUSTARD … Are they not the same thing?

No, they are not.
Because they buy the Ranch in bulk.
Which seriously complicates matters apparently.

So I created this informative poster for restaurants to have in the back area, near the other informative posters that explain in both words and visuals commonly misunderstood requests, so that other cranially challenged waitresses can understand that a kiddie pool of Ranch dressing is NOT considered a "side":


At least she has her killer eye liner and fake lashes to fall back on… oh and her mad problem solving skills.

Spinner says ...

So I have been given the excellent gift of being able to “Ghost Write” on the Bad Ass blog. A gift for me, and hopefully, a gift for you as well. I spent some time last night trying to think of how to keep you entertained for just a brief period of time. If I make this too long you won’t want to go all the way to the end; it’s a blog, not a novel. If its too short, you will wonder why I even had an announcement in the first place. You don’t announce a sneeze, right…

Quickly, a snapshot of me…. I have been friends with Mel for just over 10 years. Knowing her and all of the characters in her blog enhance the experience for me 10 fold. FYI, I would read it anyway just for the entertainment factor. So we chat on skype from time to time and our dialogue should be recorded. Seriously, it’s better than radio morning shows. Back on track…… So I like to peruse every issue in our discussions from a third party point of view. I try not to fit in any type of conformity on any issue (i.e. politics, religion, social or economical debate, etc.) Mostly because I don’t care about the details that everyone else seems to fall over. I don’t like or dislike any president because of his party affiliation; either he does a good job or not. I don’t find solitude in your issues because the invisible man in the sky you pray too (which may or may not be different than mine) told you everything will be fine and just keep praying. So lets put away our Obama bumper stickers and our rosary beads and lets talk about something we all need to really worry about……

REALITY TELEVISION

This is usually where you find yourself prematurely judging the blog. “I watch reality television, and I like it. This Spinner guy sucks.” Put down the pitchforks and torches and lets have a gander at what we are actually watching.

If I were to tell you that I would want you to give me money to watch your family through a cardboard square you attach to your face, what would you say? “Absolutely not”. You would think that your family is not as entertaining or not as beautiful as the people on the Jersey Shore.

** OH, and a quick side not on beautiful people. Science has shown that people find others attractive based on symmetry. People that are even and symmetrical are attractive to the eye.



Take away from the fact that these poor, poor ladies have misplaced portions of their swimsuits. The faces are all symmetrical. In fact, there are eight of them. Symmetry in the photograph; good work on the photographer’s part. One more……



You can sleep easy knowing that Hannah Hilton did not ask for one breast to be larger than the other at the surgeon’s office. If you can make it to her face, that’s symmetrical too. So being beautiful is more about nature blessing you with symmetry than what Gucci accessories you can slap on a 90-year-old woman with one peg leg and one eye patch. (Smart money says her breasts would be uneven too)

Yet, while you waste you life away waiting to see what “The Situation” is going to do next, reality is passing you by. You want to defend yourself by saying that you don’t actually pay money to the shows. But, you might buy the Glad bags or the Revlon makeup from the commercials, and they pay “Snookie”. So lets review some basic Mathmatics…

If A = B, and B = C, then… (Say it with me) A = C
You pay Revlon and Revlon pays Snookie, so you pay Snookie.
Guilty, NEXT CASE!

You have to pay your cable and Satellite provider for the channel as well. A&E and Oxygen are not local channels even if you live next door to the station. So do us all a favor and turn around. Your kids are hungry, the grass needs to be cut, and you haven’t showered yet today. There’s a lot of free reality right behind you. I promise Snooky and The Situation will not even notice that you’ve left for someone better. Because you have left for someone better…. YOU!

In the interest of keeping it short, I’m wrapping this up for now. Later, if interested, we could discuss symmetry in Linguistics (-,--,-,--), or a multitude of other topics. Life is short, if you want to know what being dead is like, just remember what is was like before you were born… it will be just like that. So live it up. We’re all only here for a little while; thanks for being here with me for a little while tonight. Thanks so much to Mel for letting me in!! Lets hope she doesn’t change the locks.

Now Turn off Your TV! You’re missing the best reality show right behind you…

Spinner

Collaboration Station

So during one of our famous Skype chats, I learn from Spinner (the friend from Florida who inspired the tank top and whos ex girlfriend was the inspiration for the Mama Bear blog. Thankfully he has since retired most of his tanks. Or so he says.) that he always wanted to write. He then proceeds to pull out a book from his bookshelf entitled “Linguistics for Writers”. He explains that it was given to him by a great aunt and is signed by the author. Then he drops the real bomb: he got this when he was 12.

TWELVE.

Like he is some kind of weird writing protégé that has been kept in a closet by a jealous evil older sibling that makes him write so they can take all the credit, joy and glory.

I tell him to get a blog, he’s hilarious, people will read… He acts all coy and shy and concerned that people will not follow his blog. I try to tell him that he shouldn’t give a shit, I have a whopping 10 followers at this point (all of whom I think are the absolute balls for following!). He doesn’t buy it.

Then, it hits me like warm bird shit in my hair on Easter Sunday.

GUEST BLOGGER.

And so – this is the official announcement that Spinner will be popping in from time to time (if his shit is entertaining … if it blows, I’m pulling the plug. I will also pull the plug if he turns out to be funnier than me… cause let’s face it, this is my gig.) to share his amusing tidbits with us.

So keep your peepers peeled folks. And ladies, he’s married, so don’t go falling for his wit and charm. If you start to feel you are being pulled into some weird Spinner type vortex, just remember he wears (wore) tank tops and his super hot wife will fuck you up.

Don’t talk to strangers,

Mel

A strongly worded letter to retail vendors worldwide.

Dear Retail Vendors,

A vendor, by definition, is someone who provides goods or services in exchange for money. Therefore, one would assume that your company's sucess hinges on selling a signifincant amount of your good or service. Generally, one would think that this would lead you to treat your customers with respect and helpful attention.

Why in the HELL would you think that I would like to spend my families hard earned green after you act as if I've interrupted your first urge to shit after a prolonged bout with constipation? I'm not a self centered person, but your ENTIRE job is to serve me and convince me that I should purchase said good or service from you.
That's it.
That's what you do.
If you don't want to do that, I suggest you quit and begin another career. Perhaps as a self help author who writes about how to be a douche to strangers.

Don't roll your eyes at me when I ask you about the options on a particular item. Don't answer questions as if I'm working with half a brain and therefore will not be able to understand that the item comes in 3 colors. Don't sigh heavily and avoid eye contact while you look at your watch and mumble crap I could have read off the sale tag. If I had heavily researched the item before coming to the store, than the answer to your "Can I help you with anything" cookie cutter question would have been, "No." When I responded that yes, you could help me with something, that could have been your clue to BE HELPFUL.

I worked in retail for many years. I know that there are run ins with customers who rolled out of bed that morning and decided that they were going to seek out a poorly paid customer service associate and use them as their red-headed step child. I get this. I know there are asshole customers out there. However, as a general rule, I'd say until I BECOME an asshole customer, how about you be decent, do you fucking job, and NOT be counter productive to my shopping experience.

That is all.

Sincerely,

The person who basically creates a need for your job.