Men's tank tops: a fair piece of journalism... or not.

So. I have a friend who L.O.V.Es him some tank tops. He also hearts my sad little blog, and so has asked me to "write about it in your story thingy." (Yes. Blog is a strange technical term to him that comes from a strange place where computers are portable and people don't use paper maps.)

However, I still thinks he's as cool as a dog on a skateboard so I agreed. He also requested that this not be a "tank bashing" read ... so I will try and be as fair as possible. That said, I'm totally anti-male tank tops and doubt I will have the ability to give a pro side to this.

Points for upfront honesty?

So - background. I'm from Florida, born and raised. The holy land of small clothing. The mecca of people who wear things they shouldn't. The idea of tank tops are not foreign to me... on ladies. I will also mention that I DO understand the need for a man tank undershirt ... after all, they have boobies too and no one likes that uncomfortable moment when you realize you can see someones nipples through their shirt. I don't care how sophisticated you are, nipple presentation makes eye contact hard.

This nipple rule pertains to all species.
Look how depressed mama dog is.
She just wants someone to notice she has green eyes.

So, I understand its hot, miserably hot at times, in Florida and other tropical lands of sweat and mystery. I understand that sometimes you just want to be casual. However, I think neither of these should ever equal the unattractive sporting of a male tank top. First of all, you could have the body of a Greek god and still not look good in a tank.

Point and case, Dionysus:

FYI:
Dionysus is the half-brother of the better known Apollo (already we have family drama).
He's the god of wine and drunken revelry.
No joke. Look it up.
Look how he looks all white trash like he's ignoring his kid and getting smashed... its only because of the addition of the tank.
Before the tank he looked all mythical and protective.
Now, hello front yard with cars on blocks, sofas on the porch, and sagging Christmas lights in June.

Only furthering my point that you have to be sunburnt and drunk to think you look good in a man tank. In Dionysus' case, he's made of marble, so sunburns are challenging, but you get the point.

Now there is always the staple "fat guy on the beach" who sports tanks and speedos. But I believe these people are important. Without extremes we would have nothing to measure against.

WE NEED FAT MAN IN TANK AND SPEEDO.
We do NOT need average man in tank. No.

So, my advice to you is, men, do not purchase a man tank if you are not:

a) fat guy on the beach
b) a lady
c) a gay guy in Bali (Let's face it, gay guys can work a tank.)

In general guys, you should never purchase clothing from a store that has frogs made from shells with googly eyes and sombreros. Also, taking a regular t-shirt and cutting off the sleeves does not make it any better. This might be worse.

So - friend who will remain anonymous, *cough, Jason*, I love you, but I think its time to retire the tanks. Unless that hot wife of yours is a front and your gay, in which case, you have my undying gay-tank support. Mad love.

Eat your fiber,

Mel