Warbucks: the a-hole chronicles

I've been swamped with homework, and chi lattes that need drinkin' so its been some time since I've shown you doggie nipples or bitches going ape shit in the name of their offspring so I thought I'd give you a real treat: An intro course to all things husband. Yes - I'm going to blog about my my beloved hubs who happens to be the shiz-nit for even attempting to deal with me on the daily. Don't stop reading because you think this is going to turn into some mushy-gushy, lovey-dovey, sugar coated turd. Oh no friend - I'm giving you the REAL inside scoop on hubs. Yea - this here is the dank shit.

(I might add that right now it is 7:39am, and this is my first day back to the aforementioned crazy ass job as a part-timer. And, Since I'm a part-timer until the end of April, I thought working on my blog took precedence over doing anything productive. Isn't that what part-timers do?)

Ok - so back to my hubs. Lets see, how should I ease you into all things Warbucks? (By the way - Warbucks is a nickname he got when he made a very very POOR decision to shave his head clean to the scalp, while drunk as a college freshman at a hall crawl and influenced by a friend who has strange powers over other men when it comes to head shaving. This guy is like the skin head shaman of nonracisit white males. Its weird and creepy and I don't even try to understand it. He also happens to be a tank top wearing Floridian. Let's just say that my hubs and like 4 of his friends all had this shaved head bit going on at the same time. FYI - hubs has a Panera bread bowl for the back of a head. So, it ain't cute.)

Warbucks is, in a nutshell, 3 clicks of the futon away from losing his shit at any given point, in any given day. This is not to say that he is a scary, violent, fly off the handle type person. No. I'm just saying he is constantly battling the urge to punch you in the face. I'm actually starting to think he might be the creator of the "If I could punch you without getting in trouble, believe me I would" fan page on Facebook.

As my beloved Warbucks recently learned at a management training course, he is personality type "D". Basically this means, he is a nice person, who wants to help people, but only if they aren't stupid, sick, or in immediate need of anything. If you need a gun safe delivered 2 days from now, he's your man. If you need a friend to hang out with for beers next Thursday, he's there. If you need someone to chop some fire wood in the next 3-6 weeks, he'll make it happen. If you need something cleaned OCD style, he's all over it.
If you are suffering from the flu and can't walk to the bathroom without assistance, he will role his eyes at you and huff and puff while rubbing his face as if to say "HOLY SHIT, IF YOU DON'T GET BETTER LIKE RIGHT NOW I'M GOING TO START SHAKING FUCKING KITTENS."

This does not mean he is not a loving husband... He's the best and heart him like whoa. But we all have our issues. He rubs his face like this a lot now that I think about it. If he looks at my massive pile of unfolded clean clothes, he rubs his face. When he sees our daughter has pulled every possible dinosaur figurine she owns out and taken up the entire sitting room for a dinosaur dance party, he rubs his face. When he sees that while he was gone for a week I used EVERY spoon in the house without turning the dishwasher on to wash any of them, he rubs his face. Hmmm. I should consider this more....

Anyway - Warbucks is amazing. He is the hardest working guy I know, and he really is the sweetest ever. That said, he can be a total douche. As proven in his personality test which basically says that when it comes to his management style, "YOU DON'T GET ALONG WITH ANYONE. EVER. YOU THINK EVERYONE ELSE ON THE PLANET SUCKS AND YOU HAVE ZERO PATIENCE FOR THEIR BULLSHIT."

Don't believe me? Please gaze upon the following visual given to him in said report to aide in the translation of this information:

The closer you are to the center of the circle, the more likely you are to get along with other the personality types.
Please note that Warbucks' dot is WAYYYYY the hell over there - on the outter most ring of the chart.

Yes, in other words: YOU GET ALONG WITH NO ONE. I'm serious, I've worked with the guy. He says things like "Oh really? That sucks, because, I DON'T CARE." or "Yeah, that sounds like a problem, what are YOU going to do to fix it?" or my personal favorite, "Ok - I'll look into it, right after you clean the front desk with a q-tip."

So really all this is a round about way of saying that Warbucks should NOT be in retail. Or serving the public. In any way. At. All.
Ever.

However, this is just a sliver of the complex individual that is Warbucks. He's also super romantic, an amazing father, and totally willing to go to bat for his friends and family at any given time. Plus he's uber funny, which I dig. There are many sides to this amazing man, today I've just decided to feature his rough side, because, let's face it, so far this blog has been about pointing out how weird OTHER people are. Maybe, if you're lucky, this will become a reoccurring topic and you will someday get to see all sides of the dazzling Warbucks. In the meantime, I'm going to go wash some spoons.



Part-timers of the world, unite!!

Mel