Oh wait – this blog was a semi-casualty – so my bad on that.
Anywho – with a new sense of awareness about me, I’ve noticed that the new kitten, Tebow, (formally Molly until “she” was getting a belly rub one day and I was all “Dems balls, son.”) is a little special. Is it possible for cats to have brain issues? I mean – they have a brain, so I’m assuming things can get screwy up in their head bowl just like ours, right? Seriously, we have 3 other cats, all of them came to us as kittens and NONE of them acted like this weirdo.
I hear you, you are saying “Dude, it’s a kitten, don’t be rude. Just because it’s a little hyper active doesn’t mean its “special”.” Um – no. Screw you, you are wrong. This cat is just not right… and to prove it to you, I’m going to give you a play by play of this kittens typical day.
You are welcome.
5:45am – screams like Steven Tyler from Aerosmith from behind the guest bedroom door. (He sleeps in his own room because he has very poor sleeping manners. By this I mean he doesn’t sleep at all when he’s around people– instead he bites your earlobes until he succeeds at making a decent puncture wound, then he moves on to clawing at your scalp.)
5:46am – is released from room. Promptly tries to climb UP the nearest walking human leg and freak out like a junkie who’s hard up for his next fix. This includes clawing, biting, purring, licking, and screaming. Sometimes I wonder if he was born to a mama cat who did black tar heroine while pregnant and he is actually having withdrawals. This thought makes me sad and I give him extra nibbles…
5:55am – eats every ounce of food he is given and then proceeds to stalk you while you make a school lunch. This is cute kitten behavior – this is ok. However when he comes RUNNING at you on only his back two legs screaming and looking like a creature fresh out of Vin Diesel’s classic cinematic adventure - Pitch Black – you begin to wonder…
6:10am – discovers that Boy Boy, our 2 year old cat, is awake and has ventured downstairs. Spends the next 2 hours chasing him around and biting his face until he whoops serious ass.
8:30am – trys to sleep on a baby’s head. Gets swatted at numerous times – but does not allow this to break his determination to make the sleeping-on-baby-head dream a reality. Fails miserably, settles for sleeping on the couch arm.
8:45am – falls off couch arm. Shakes head and growls. Returns to couch arm.
9:03am - falls off couch arm. Shakes head and growls. Returns to couch arm.
9:23am - falls off couch arm. Shakes head and growls. Returns to couch arm.
10:11am - has not fallen off couch for almost an hour – now begins bizarre and LOUD kitten snoring…
10:39am – begins kitten dreaming. Tail whips around and lips quiver while tiny little “mew, mew, mewwww” s escape. This would also be cute if his eyes were totally shut, but no, they are half open and moving all over the place.
10:41am - falls off couch arm. Shakes head and growls. Returns to couch arm.
11:00am - falls off couch arm. Shakes head and growls. Gives up on the nap and goes to stare at the wall in the dining room for 20 straight minutes.
11:20am – Goes into Maddi’s room to fuck shit up. Proceeds to swat anything not nailed down to the ground and then lick it.
12:03pm – Does his damnedest to take a dip in the toilet bowl. Succeeds then recalls that he hates water.
12:06pm – cleans himself from dip in toilet bowl while keeping a worried eye on his tail. At this point, he feels as though that thing has been following him all day …
12:15pm – gives up on the cleaning and proceed to chase tail and bite it so hard he screams like Steven Tyler.
12: 23pm – forgets that he hates water – gets back in toilet. I intervene at this point and make sure all toilet lids are down.
12: 37pm - cleans himself from dip in toilet bowl while keeping a worried eye on his tail. At this point, he feels as though that thing has been following him all day …
12:45pm – can no longer take the tail and AGAIN begins to chase and bite it. This time however he MUST do it on the closed toilet seat. He spins in circles like a wool sweater in a dryer. Falls off toilet, hits head on tub, then repeats at least 6 times.
1:00pm – goes upstairs to dig around in Boy Boy’s litter box. Not to use it, just to dig in it like a treasure hunter. Boy Boy gets pissed – kitten gets his ass handed to him. Boy Boy goes into box and rearranges things as they should be. Kitten moves on to getting into bathtub.
1:05pm – is thrown off by the complexities of a shower curtain and believes he is trapped in the tub. Screams like Steven Tyler until someone pulls the shower curtain back and he is “saved”.
1:21pm – Notices the sound of his litter box being cleaned and thinks “Oh hellllll no.” Proceeds to bum rush you and stand next to the box and swat whenever you are digging out OFF of the scooper because, well, that shit is his – literally - and he wants to keep it. When this doesn’t work he climbs in the box and sits on the scooper like a hippy tied to a Redwood. Scooper gives up.
1:34pm – Notices sleeping baby in swing and spends the next 10 minutes jumping onto swing to try and sleep on baby’s head. Gets swatted and yelled at repeatedly – gives up and retires to couch arm.
2:00pm - falls off couch arm. Shakes head and growl. Returns to couch arm.
2:13pm - falls off couch arm. Shakes head and growl. Returns to couch arm.
3:12pm – Maddi is home - gets a reality check when he is shoved in Barbie cars and force-fed bottles.
5:00pm – escapes from Maddi’s room. Attacks all feet until someone puts food in his bowl. Eats – then mysteriously disappears completely for 2 hours.
7:05pm – Notes that dog has been let in. Proceeds to sit 2 inches from dogs nose and growl and hiss until sleep sets in.
8:05pm – randomly wakes up in a manic state swatting at invisible things above his head.
8:35pm – finds Boy Boy and gets his ass beat for a while.
9:05pm – realizes Maddi has gone to bed and figures this is the perfect time to rearrange her room – AGAIN. Maddi gets pissed, he is banned to the living room.
9:36pm – gets caught chewing on wires. Is banished to guest bedroom for the rest of the evening.
2 things:
1. Case closed. Kitten ain’t right.
2. You really need to find something more productive to do with your time other than reading this bullshit.
Kitty winks,
Mel
Thanks, Mel! Just read this to my sister so we could laugh our asses off at *something* tonight! She says it's good to know she has a kitteh soul mate out there in the world (she is always threatening to bite my face for some reason)...
ReplyDeleteThis made me oh so very happy in the middle of a DAY at work. Particularly the Pitch Black references as, if you remember correctly, I'm the only one who made it all the way through that movie when we had a sleep-over at your apartment. That's right, the old lady who now goes to bed at 8:00 made it through the movie ALONE. Thank you very much.
ReplyDelete