An interview with the real OG of scarecrows

So I’m walking through our local retail store the other day and I notice that they have all their fall décor out. There were the expected items: things with leafs on them, pumpkins, gourds, and the ever popular scarecrow. As I looked around, I took note that all the scarecrows have super happy faces with rosey cheeks and big smiles. I thought “WTF is this bullshit?"This isn’t at all what a scarecrow is supposed to be right?

So I did the next logical thing. I googled that shit. Turns out that scarecrows have been around since the Greeks were runnin’ this bitch. They noticed that when a particularly ugly child named Priapus would run around in the gardens, the birds would stay away from his haggard lookin’ ass, so they started making scarecrows in his image. And that shit WORKED. Those Greek dudes spread the word as they roamed the earth and - BAM - peeps were using scarecrows left and right.

So now I’m a lil’ annoyed. As with everything else our culture has touched, its turned a once useful object into something to decorate our over privileged gardenless homes with. So I dug a little deeper and managed to find that there are only a handful of original scarecrows left. So I contacted their union and got in touch with one, Mr. Thurgood Perkins, who was more than happy to do an interview. So I called him up and conducted a phone interview in hopes of schooling you scarecrow-ignorant-mother-fuckers.

Me: So Mr. Perkins –

Mr. Perkins: Oh, please, call me Weezy.

Me: Um, you mean like Lil’ Wayne?

Mr. Perkins: Weezy: Who?

Me: You know, Lil’ Wayne. The rapper? The dude that has a voice like a post pubescent chipmunk? Long braids, teardrops tattooed on his face? Went to jail for having a loaded gun on his tour bus or something equally gangsta? You know, FREE WEEZY! No?

[Long Pause] Ok, anyway… Weezy, how do you feel about the modern representation of your … people?

Mr. Perkins: Weezy: Well, you know, its like with any other stereotyping. It’s like we’ve, the original scarecrows I mean, have been put into a sort of racist prison.

Me: How do you mean?

Mr. Perkins: Weezy: Well. Most children these days know nothing of us as we were intended to be. They only know of these smiling, sweet, perfectly patched up impostors. On the rare occasion that a child does encounter one of us as we were meant to be, they fuckin’ freak. Excuse my language.

Me: Oh, no need to apologize Mr. … Weezy. Trust me, my readers are on board with macaroni mouth art. It’s all good.

Mr. Perkins: Weezy: macaroni… what?

Me: Nothing. So what you are saying is this modern day interpretation by the consumer hungry retail world of your … race ... has led to a world where you are feared and misunderstood?

Mr. Perkins: Weezy: Yes. Exactly.

Me: That’s straight fucked up, sir.

Mr. Perkins: Weezy: Yes, well from what I understand, we are not the only group of people your people have done this to…

Me: Oh no, Weezy. On that, you are right. We suck, for reals.

Mr. Perkins: Weezy: Um. Ok?

Me: So how would you like to be represented to mainstream America?

Mr. Perkins: Weezy: Well, you know, I think that they only accurately portray the physical interpretations of our kind in horror movies. It would be nice to be released from this prison and be asked to be the face for something more positive. Like the Boys and Girls Club.

Or the Girl Scouts.

Me: So what you are saying is, you want to be free to be who you are and do what you love, and be respected for it?

Mr. Perkins: Weezy: Yeah, I think that really isn’t too much to ask considering that our existence has allowed your people to prosper by keeping your crops safe. I mean really, without us, your population may not have grown so large.

Me: Well said, Weezy. Well said. Thanks for your time.

People, Mr. Perkins: Weezy is the real deal. He’s the Original Gangster of scarecrows. So, in short I propose that we stop purchasing the fake ass retail driven scarecrows and kick it old school by bringing back the original scarecrow in all its glory. It’s the least we can do for the real OG that has allowed us to become agriculturally successful. At least until Thurgood Perkins “Weezy” is up for voting on American Idol.

Free Weezy,

Mel