Bank + my $$ = Fuck you.

As the most popular girl in the 8th grade class would say, "OMG! It’s been like 4-EVA" since I blogged. My bad. It’s been straight crazy around this bitch lately. But the upside is that all the crazy has given me plenty to write about.

Recently my dear hubs was the victim of identity theft. Some fucker stole his bank card number and recreated a card and proceeded to run around and spend over 300 dollars at Wendy’s and various gas stations. No, don’t re-read that. You read it correctly the first time. Wendy’s and gas stations.

That said, I have a few points to address:

1. Who eats at Wendy’s that many times in one week? Really, I mean ... you STOLE the information, you are a hardcore criminal, and while I will agree that Wendy’s frosty’s are the bee knees, I’m not sure I would want to spend ALL my hard earned stolen cash on them. Maybe go out and get a massive steak. You know, the kind of steak that doesn’t even have the price on the menu its so ridiculously expensive – it just says:


32 oz. ribeye …............................................................... Market pricing.


Eat like 7 of those. Or order 7 and get a doggie bag.

Whatever.

2. We’ve put people, monkeys, and robots into space. We know when someone has illegally downloaded music on their Uncle Harvey’s computer. The government has been fairly successful at covering up all kinds of bullshit. Chris Hansen can catch a predator. So WHY on earth have we not figured out how to catch the asshole who pretends to be someone they are not while sucking money of an account that does not belong to them? I mean – I try and buy a gallon of milk at Walmart and they are all like, “We are gonna need a photo ID, blood, a pee sample, and a biopsy of your kidney to keep on file if you want to use your bank card for this here gallon of milk.”

So how does this stellar member of our community spend hundreds of dollars with no one blinking an eye? Better yet, um, what are video surveillance used for these days? Just there to catch sexual harassment footage. And its HA-RASS-MENT not HAIR-ISS-MENT. I hate people who pronounce it HAIR-ISS-MENT.
Annoying.

3. The almighty bank. The purpose of a bank is to secure ones monies for saving or spending. Banks, you exist because during the evolution of man, we realized that keeping significant amounts of valuable shit in our mattresses turned out to be a really bad idea. Word got around, and the drunk village asshole broke into your shit and stole not only your money, but your fucking bed. Great. Now you’re broke and bed less. Not cool. So some dude in Ancient Mesopotamia came up with the idea of a bank. He was all “Hey! I’ll hold your shit that’s worth something and you can get it whenever you need it and hopefully this will keep peeps from burning down your shitty hut and stealing your straw bed piggy bank.”

And so – we started using banks. Well – wouldn’t you know it, like everything else that we “civilized” folks have touched; we screwed that idea up too. So my question is, Wachovia/Wells Fargo/Assholes Inc., why was it that when my shit got stolen (for at LEAST the 10th time in 15 years I’ve been with you) you didn’t do anything? Why was it that when I called to say – “Ummm hey – I don’t eat at Wendy’s like ever and I don’t live in the city where said debits were made “ , you were all -- “Oh yeah... we had these flagged as fraud and marked as a possible counterfeit card, but we didn’t tell you AND we still let them use your card nonstop for 5 days, AND we haven’t refunded ANY of your money.” ?

Devil bank – you blow. It took you a week and a half to give us back our money. This wouldn’t matter if we had a lot of money, although I also believe that if we had tens of thousands of dollars in your “bank” this would not have gone on as long as it had because some jerk-off in your fraud department would have had a little red button to push when one of the richer people's money was being messed with. And then that news would travel smoothly through the proper channels, said fraudulent debits would have been refunded in moments, and all eyes would have been on this account for further bogus activity, because pissing off a rich customer is much more detrimental to your bottom line than pissing off the broke peeps.


We had to swear on our first borns’ pinky finger that we didn’t eat at Wendy’s and we didn’t buy lots of gas in a town we don’t live in. We had to sign lots of scary papers filled with lawyer speak (that you lost after we sent them back to you). We had to call you everyday and help you with addition. (FYI - Bank math is not like regular math. They use a system I like to call, the “I can’t add simple numerals together” system.) I had to take highlighted print outs of our account to a branch to help you fuckers understand.

Anyway – this blog is less funny and more bitchy, but you get the idea. All I’m saying is don’t be surprised when I fall off the grid and then shortly after Wachovia/Wells Fargo/Assholes Inc. finds out that several of their large funds have been drained and the money was spent on string cheese in various parts of the world. Screw me once, my fault. Screw me 10 or more times, I'm fucking your world up with highlighters and a bad attitude. And it's quite possible my husband will pistol whip you. (He asked me to put that in here, but I'm pretty sure he would really do it.)


Trust no one with your pesos,
Mel