Holiday cheer can be easily hijaked by stupidity

Consumerism makes people stoopid.

This morning I yawned and thought to myself with holiday cheer in my heart – "I’ll hit up a few stores today while everyone else is slaving away for the man and avoid the crowds".

Cut to 4 hours later where its taken me 30 minuets to go 5 blocks and I’m screaming at other people so loudly in my own car that I’m seeing spots and having visions that involve a BUNCH of blood.

#1 - DO NOT talk/text/watch porn/stalk your ex’s Facebook while driving if it means you are going to do 5mph, ride down the middle of the road and park at stop signs. And also - when I lose my mind on your ass and start screaming from behind a closed window like a rabid possum in a cage that sees a 4 year old with a bottle of water, don’t look at me like, “Oh, what? Am I doing something wrong? Do I have a flat tire? Are you in need of assistance or something?”

If I didn’t want to get to my next destination so badly I’d get out of this car and take a poop on your windshield.

#2 – If your retail store has two checkouts, have two cashiers. Once you have two cashiers, train them to FUCKING WAIT ON PEOPLE, not to stand there and flick the feather on the end of their ridiculously binged out pen, doodle on the receipt tape and look at the ceiling. Also – when you catch your cashier doing this, don’t ask them NICELY to please wait on people, tell them – “DUDE, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! The line is 37 people long and you are looking at the sky thinking about pop rocks and if there will be another High School Musical movie. Get your shit together asshole.”

#3 – If you are a fellow consumer during this joyous time of year, and you are in the process of checking out and your credit card gets denied, oh – maybe - 3 times in a row, don’t try it a 4^th and then turn around to the very annoyed line of consumers behind you and say with a lipstick heavy grin, “I think it’s just a matter of holding my mouth right to get it to go through.”

No. No.

NO.

Your shit is maxed out and we all know it. And if you don’t get to bouncing it’s going to be a matter of me rearranging your mouth with a roundhouse kick to the face in about 7 seconds. And judging by your fucking lipstick you are either taking copious amounts of your kids ADHD medications for recreational use or you have a blossoming case of Parkinson’s Disease. Either way – I think “Stop Sign Red” is no longer your color.

#4 – If you are a retail company that accepts credit cards, you best make sure your shit is in working order before the Holiday rush. There should be no reason, under any circumstances, that you cannot run more than one credit card machine at a time. When you opened additional registers, we though we were going to get the fuck out of this yuletide prison, not have to play musical chairs with our credit cards and wait our “turn” to check out white Mariah Carey belts out "Oh, Santa!". Not to mention, some of your customers are being total ass bags and think that if they just swipe a maxed out card enough times (while holding their mouth right), it will go through. Don’t be ridiculous, get your act together, cause I really really need to buy ornaments of fat penguins and iridescent seahorses.

Sigh.

I came home wanting to snap the necks of baby parakeets. And mostly just blue baby parakeets, which is weird.

Hopefully the next time I venture out the entire world will not have just done an 8 ball of cocaine.

Vision of sugarplums and shit,

Mel