Stuffed Crust Pizza and Monokinis - A scholarly comparative short

So I just realized that its been 4 months since my last blog. (Clearly Grad school is a terrible idea that eats your life.) But since its been so long, that means that this blog is retro, which makes it cool again. Like headbands and Ray-Bans. Problem Solved.

So today, in light of the warmer weather, I’d like to touch on the topic of bathing suits. You know, those things that we pretend that we don’t like to wear. Cat is outta the bag. Everyone likes to be semi naked in public a little.

Anyway, I was flipping through the latest Victoria’s Secret swimsuit catalog and it occurred to me: bathing suits are exactly like stuff crust pizza.

Uh huh. Let that sink in.

I’ll wait…

OK, so you get it, right? Stuffed crust pizza is just pizza with extra shit. Bathing suits are just underwear that repel water. It’s exactly the same. Not a little bit the same. EXACTLY. (Mike I have you to thank for this epiphany.)

You seem perplexed. Ok – I’ll give you a bit more insight, but prepare to have your universe shaken from its axis people. This is real deal legit science.

So you can order regular old pizza. OR you can order a pizza with cheese stuffed in the crust. ORRRR you can order a pizza with fucking meat AND cheese stuffed into the crust (which at this point is just an exposed calzone, but whatever, thats another debate for another blog.) Our culture says, order the one with the MOST shit, its more bang for your buck and you can totally face all that dairy mixed with greasy meats without repercussions.

Now, swimsuits are exactly the same, except the more you pay for less material, the hotter you are.... with one exception. You can buy a one piece. OR you can get a 2 piece. ORRRRR you can hybrid the shit out of it all and get a monokini.

Yeah huh.

The monokini is the pizza’s meat and cheese stuffed crust. I’m a one piece, that looks like a 2 piece from the back, and only I look good on 7- foot tall Brazilian bitches with perfect bronzing and not one single ingrown hair ANYWHERE, EVER. I'll use my interesting silhouette to sweet talk you into thinking that the extra material between the top and the bottom is hiding your imperfections and making you look drop dead sexy at the same time. Yeah - eat that dairy laced greasy meat lie right up.

EXACTLY. THE. SAME.

They both surprise you, they both seem ridiculous until you see them in action and you secretly want to try both of them, like RIGHT NOW. Since we have determined they are exactly the same, its my opinion that you should just go with the pizza. It will bring you much more joy and maybe a little heartburn, but with much less of a chance of any permanent self loathing.

Monokinis are tricky things, pizza, not so much.

Mel